Teal Town Pet Power Rankings
It is often said that power rankings are subjective tripe and the opinions of giant tools that will retroactively change those opinions when it’s convenient. People who think that these experts are wrong are garbage humans for questioning the integrity of people like Chad Ford.
These are real pet rankings. They are unbiased and no one is taking money from agents. My friends, this is the most objective, most real, and most RAW analysis of Teal Town pets. Sure, Chris may have offered me money to make Edgar #1 even though it’s obviously Kayla to any nonpartisan observer. But we feel Edgar is #1 because, despite all facts, he’s just so adorable. And he slipped us some money. Whoops, did I say that out loud? No, sports rankings are objective and there’s never any conflicts of interest!
With that said, let’s rank some of our favorite fuzzy friends of Teal Town. Let’s be honest, this is just a shameless ploy to get you to browse our content by providing adorable pics of our pets. We apologize for nothing.
1. Edgar (@chrisjws)
Sure Chris may be a jerkoff who paws relentlessly at Excel spreadsheets, and he abandoned us, but there’s no denying Edgar is an adorable tabby who’s quite ok with being held upside down. He also wears bowties. Bowties are cool. Edgar is also known to stand-up for his teammates with some of the whappiest paws in the league.
2. Kayla (@aj_strong)
Sure she appears on After Dark more often than Edgar. Hell, she appears on After Dark more than Landi! But her human is paying me more to rank her higher. How dare you question the industry that has popped up around ranking pets. There’s no conflict of interest, it’s clearly because I know more than you and you should accept it as the plebs you are. Kayla is the queen of Teal Town, if not in our rankings then in our hearts. And had she been ranked any lower, Laurel would hurt someone.
3. Sharkie (@puckguy14)
Sharkie’s game is a bit ruff around the edges, but his handling skills are second to none when he’s chasing tennis balls. He boasts great intangibles, he’s relentless on his chew toys and carries an on-point selfie game. 13/10 would watch hockey with.
4. Dell-A (@SeamoreHockey)
Tenacious, but often plays out of control. Has been known to play the puck from the bench at times. He brings a bruising style and is well-loved in the locker room. His barks-per-60 are some of the best around, making him a darling of the advanced stats community.
5. Toby (@aj_strong)
The first real surprise on this list. Toby has been a purr-rospect for years and is really coming into his own this year. He’s filled out his frame since he was a kitten and has matured into an incredible house cat. He’s a 200-foot player, hanging everywhere from the kitchen counter to AJ’s office chair.
6. Toto (@almartinet)
When he’s on the ice, there’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do.
7. Marleau (@puckguy14)
Polarizing is the story for Marleau. Sharkie gets all the pub, all the glory, while Marleau is often relegated to the shadows. He’s been accused of being gutless by ex-housemates. He’s been known to have cold streaks and run from the vacuum monster. Rumored that he might be signing a 3 year deal with Ian Reid for 7 bones annually.
8. Chip (@aj_strong)
Don’t let the name fool you. Chip is a diva who has no time for chip-and-chase. Despite being a closet Ducks fan, based on the photo, he plays hero puck with the best of them. His zone entry stats are off the charts, as are his turnovers. He rocks the wide shot like Christian Ehrhoff and his purrsi is among the best in the league. He’s been criticized for not being a good team player and has been known to shun the media after a bad performance. Don Cherry hates his flamboyant style and he swears it has nothing to do with the color of his fur.
9. Toews (@SeamoreHockey)
Hated by analytics dorks, loved by those who want grit. Don’t let the name fool you, he’s no puck handling good boy. He’s here to mash and get dirty. He’ll wrestle any toy out of your hand, beat the rug into submission and will steal the heart of all hoomans.
10. Rocky (@aj_strong)
A sleeper for 2019 fans to watch. Also, he’s generally a sleeper around the house. This furry fiend will lull you into a false sense of security with his steady game. He’s looking to have a breakout year this year… if it doesn’t get in the way of napping.
11. Sibbie (@markEmarkSJS)
Who’s Mark? Fuck if we know. Kidding, we love Mark. We just love his dog more. Sibbie is a prospect vying for more playing time. We hope to see more of him in the future, possibly playing catch and upping his good boy stats.
Did we get the rankings right? Tell us in the comment section below.